Narcissists will be Narcissists

Right now there are a lot of people feeling really devested, confused, angry, hopeless by the confirmation of Kavanaugh. Because it’s about what it means for generations of marginalized populations, because it’s about how he got it by ignoring, belittling and disrespecting Dr. Ford and so many others who shared their stories of sexual assault. The ushering in of Trumpism has made it ok to ignore, mock, belittle minority populations and survivors. People speaking out are painted as hysterical mobs while the perpetrators are given the pass of “boys will be boys.”

But you know what, that’s bullshit. Complete bullshit. This isn’t about boys being boys. There are so many good men out there. Men who are supportive and strong and empathetic and imaginative and wonderful human beings. This isn’t about hating men. I love men! We are doing these good males a disservice by saying boys will be boys.  Any moms even having that thought are doing their sons a GROSS disservice.  I’ve been lucky.  I’ve gone my whole life without being sexually assaulted. I’ve never had a drug slipped into my drink, or been forced against a wall against my will or had someone hold their hand over my mouth while they drunkenly tried to force themselves on me. I’ve been lucky.  Because not all men are sexual assaulters or rapists.  Sexual assaulters are sexual assaulters. Rapists are rapists. I’ve survived high school and college and law school. Ive been drunk, I’ve been out late, I’ve made some not so smart choices, and been in not so smart situations.  And I’ve been lucky.  But that’s my point.  Sexual assault should not be the acceptable norm. And those that behave in that manner should be held accountable.  Please, stop normalizing this shit or blaming women for what they wear or how late they stay out or how much they had to drink. It’s not the women’s fault. 

We warn our daughters not to put themselves in compromising situations, but do we also warn our sons not to be douchbags and predators? That they can’t just take whatever they want whenever they want? I have a son and daughter. I am trying very hard to raise them as respectful and conscientious humans.  I will fail in some aspects. I know that. Ultimately they are their own people and we all make mistakes. But I hope that I can teach them enough to respect themselves and others enough to know that sexual assault is wrong. To know not to belittle and demean. I hope I can teach them to be kind, strong, good, and empathetic humans.

Thats why I say “narcissists will be narcissists.” I’m no psychologist but it feels like the system of misogyny breads a level of narcissism that allows so many perpetrators to cry victim.  Because it’s all about them and what they want. And if they don’t have it given to them, they’ll just take it. And if you question their right to have it or take, they’ll cry “I’m the victim, poor me.”  It’s disgusting, and I want better for my kids. I will fight for that. Always.

These types of people  will always exist, and have power.  They will exist in your families, in your offices, in your government. They will exist. 

The question for the rest of us, is what do we DO about  it? How do we survive them. How do we work around them. How do we build strategies for overcoming their damage?

We can’t be demoralized by the narcissists. They are part of the world, just like everyone else. But they do not deserve to own the world.  They don’t own us.  We can’t give up. We can’t give in. Every day is a new day. One foot in front of the other. Fight, fight, fight.  We won’t win every battle.  After all, fighting a war against someone with no moral compass is tricky.  It will take all our strength, all our fortitude, all our love, all our compassion, all our empathy, all of our mama-bearness.  

Stay hydrated my friends, the battle is never ending. 

Crystal Ahmadi