Good bye 36, Hello 37

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My 36th year was terrible and beautiful and awful and empowering and ugly and truthful. When you say good bye to a decade plus marriage, there are a lot of intense behaviors and emotions that travel with you on that journey.  Some that make me say “f*** yeah I’m a badass, I got this” and others that make me want to bury my head in the sand.  But the thing is, when you go through hard shit as an adult, as a mom, a business owner, you can’t just cut and run. You can’t hide, or pretend shit didn’t happen. Becase things have to keep turning.  Honestly, I think that might be what saved me, in my 36th year.  I couldn’t give up.  Even if I wanted to.

If I have to think about what 36 taught me, it would be to ask for what I want, to go for it, to believe in magic BUT to be able to keep moving when the universe says no. Because NO isn’t actually always no. Sometimes It’s more like “um this is not a good idea, let’s try something new.” 

So at 37, building off of what I’ve learned, what do I want for this next year of my life?  I think I want to keep showing up for me. To LIVE.

Some days that will mean taking risks, others it will mean being a safe a steady force, some days I will laugh, others I will cry. But I really just want to continue on the path of feeling it all.  I think I’m getting better at understanding the places where I need to reel it in a bit and the other places where I need to pour even more of myself. But all in all, it’s good. It’s very very good - even the ugly parts. 

so, in year 36 I:

- left a 12 year marriage, helped my kids transition to a new school, worked hard to secure an imprortant work project, redecorates my house multiple times (cuz that’s my thing 🤪), started running several days per week, became a vegetarian, survived a couple of ill conceived crushes, started believing in myself, stopped believing in myself and stated again, severely injured my hip runnin, stopped being a vegetarian and became a pescatrian, leaned on family, leaned on friends, found ways to be happy in every day, found ways to embrace the sadness in the days, LOVED on my babies, watched my daughter suffer through 2 broken arm injuries, watched my son embrace trying new things, help my kids transition through a seperation, lost my grandma, lost my soul and then recovered it, wore a lot of red lipstick, cried with my friends through their struggles,  took a ridiculous amount of bubble baths, spent 100s of hours steaming and saunaing away my tears at the gym, ran miles when I wanted cry, ran more when my spirit was on fire, started a 7 minute workout routine, painted my room, painted my sons room, started dabbling in water color painting, went for long walks, went on weekends with my girlfriends, enjoyed my morning lattes, stressed about money as a separated family, overspent on self care, cried, laughed, leaned on my parents a lot, was saved by a warrior goddess friend from dropping into the fiery pits of humiliation and insanity, wished I wasn’t so fragile, embraced my fragility, found strength in the words of those gone before me, found strength in myself, found strength in my kids, loved every minute of being a mom, cried for the moments I couldn’t be the mom I wanted to be, mourned for a family lost, cheered for a new one - a different version - formed, loved myself, sang, danced, drang champagne, played extravagant board games with my friends, sang intense karaoke versions of Nature's Boy (Nat King Cole) with a beautiful friend, joined the school PTA, helped organize school events, read - A LOT, organized and executed monthly successful work parties,  carted my daughter back andforth to  multiple xrays and cast appointments, survived Seattle snowmageddon, hated my ex, became cordial with my ex, felt confused, found new dreams, acted a damn fool, felt free, felt trapped, felt FULLY ALIVE.  

In all that. In that year of 36, and going into 37, feeling alive is what I want to remember, what I want to take with me into 37. Whatever happens, finding ways to feel it fully, process the emotions, put them where they need to be, and keep growing.   because I can already tell, this journey, it’s not for the faint of heart. It’s going to be messy. I’m going to make soooo many mistakes. Hell, I’m a single 37 mom of two. This shit ain’t always going to be pretty. But please believe I will keep doing it with red lipstick, a smile, lots of bubble bath products in my cabinet, and a belief that anything is possible if I am honest with myself, work hard, love hard,be wise, and stay open. So here’s to 37.

Crystal Ahmadi